I Don't Know How To Do This Anymore

In the 2nd episode of 24, Jack Bauer says this line as he's watching Assad torture his former colleague and eventually kill him once he gets the information he needs.

This line also describes the way I feel about dating in NYC right now. I've always been reluctant in the past to write about my dating experiences on the blog; besides the whole loshon hara* thing, I watched as celebrities like Jennifer Lopez got raked over the coals over every hook up and break up. Even J Lo learned to keep her mouth shut about her love life.

After thinking about this, I decided that I want to write about lessons learned from certain relationships and my feelings about dating; I think I can do that without getting into too many details about specific people that I have dated, we'll see how successful I am at that.

This phase of life can seem endless; my problem isn't meeting people; I meet people at meals, through friends, in synagogue, etc. It only takes one person but why is it so hard to find the right person? Do we really make things more difficult for ourselves?

Last Shabbas, my friend talked about past relationships she was in; she was engaged previously and has been through the wringer with dating. In the past, men have told her that she was too needy and that she needed to be more independent. When she was dating the man who would become her husband, he told her "You're needy and that's all right. It's okay for you to depend on me". In the end, she didn't have to change who she was; she found someone who accepted her for who she is.

What a powerful message that is. All I can do is just be myself, such a simple thing but it's so easy to forget that when relationships don't work out. You think "If only I was less/more religous, outgoing, etc." and/or "If only he/she was less/more religious, outgoing, etc." The older you get, the harder each failed relationship can be on you. I've been dating for almost half of my life and you'd think it would get easier but it doesn't.

Since becoming more observant in Judaism, I've learned about dating in the religious world and it makes me realize that maybe I never knew how to date in the first place. I think I started dating because everyone around me was doing it and it seemed that it was the thing to do. When it comes to dating for marriage, I feel at times that I have no idea what I'm doing. It is daunting to change habits that have taken years and years to develop. That doesn't mean I'll stop trying, it just means that it'll take longer than anticipated to change the way I date from just dating for the heck of it to dating for marriage.

Loshon hara: one of the biggest sins concerning speech; saying negative things about another person. There's a whole lot more to it than that, for more info look at www.jewfaq.org.